


Hans and Kristoff's Whacky Adventure

by orphan_account



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Crack, Elsanna - Freeform, F/F, Humor, Nonsense, Parody, Stream of Consciousness, shitty attempt at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 09:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2687144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kristoff swims across the Skagerrak, befriends (not really) Hans, and raises a (really crappy) army, because of his disgust at the spectacle of royal lesbian incest. All in good fun, all in good fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hans and Kristoff's Whacky Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something for Frozen's anniversary, was frustrated because I couldn't come up with any actual good ideas. So I just sat down and wrote whatever came to mind. This was the result.

“Kristoff I’m leaving you.”

 

“What? Why? Anna…I thought we had something!”

 

“I’m leaving you for my sister. We’re in love and we don’t care what anyone says.”

 

“That’s disgusting! What is wrong with the both of you?”

 

“What do you know about true love? You were raised by rocks.”

 

“I know that two sisters loving each other in…that way is sick and wrong!”

 

“That’s ridiculous, everyone knows homosexuality is perfectly okay when both parties are hot women.”

 

“Are you calling yourself hot?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“That’s a bit narcissistic, isn’t it?”

 

“But it’s true. I’m gorgeous.”

 

“You self absorbed cunt. You would have died in the mountains without me! I-I.”

 

“Don’t I deserve to be self-absorbed? I have a thousand times more fans than you. I bet if we each went and counted the number of tumblr blogs devoted to each of us I’d come out ahead by a couple hundred at least.”

 

“Tumblr blogs don’t matter!”

 

“Stop lying to yourself you illiterate peasant. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get stuffed full of ice-dildos. Later, loser.”

 

Kristoff cried like a little bitch because the author hates him. Seriously, fuck that prick. He’s singlehandedly responsible for Elsanna not happening. Smelly fuck. And no, it’s totally not because Disney would never write an incestuous lesbian love story into one of their movies, no matter how hot it might or might not be. It’s all because of Kristoff. Kristoff is responsible for everything. He’s so stupid I don’t even remember his name. Christopher or Kyle or something?

 

Anyway, Cristobel chartered a ship to the Southern Isles. Wait wasn’t Cristobel the guy that discovered America? Whatever, they both got on boats.

 

Except not really because even the boat captain hated Kristoff, so he had to swim. It’s okay though, he didn’t even go the whole way himself. His moose helped him. Fucking pussy. It’s not even that far from Bergen to Copenhagen.

 

Anyway, he went and found that other dude. The redheaded one. Hans the Great. Now, naturally Kyle felt inadequate because Hans is everything he wasn’t. Handsome, charming, rich, a good-singer, literally a prince. Basically, Hans is the pinnacle of human perfection and Kristoff is pretty much not even human. Anyway, because Kristoff is a supreme faggot who can’t see the beauty of hot lesbian incest, he decided to see if Hans could help him in his quest for vengeance against Arendelle’s royal sisters (He has a quest for vengeance now. Did I forget to mention that? Whatever, use context clues to figure it out. Aren’t you supposed to learn that shit in English I? What are you, 12?).

 

“Oh Hans, I’m so glad I found you! You are exactly the person I needed to see!”

 

“Are you trying to seduce me you disgusting peasant? How did you get into the palace? Where are the guards?”

 

“No, no, no. I come in peace! Anna left me for her sister so now I want revenge!”

 

“She left you for her sister? That’s hot.”

 

“No it’s not hot fuck you! I was a week at most from hitting that.”

 

Hans snorted at Kristoff’s faggotry.

 

“You’re a faggot”, he stated.

 

Kristobel cried a bit more.

 

“Will you please help me?”

 

“Okay. I have in fact been planning my own revenge for the better part of a year! Soon my armies will be ready to crush Arendelle, and I-“

 

The door swung open, and there stood Hans’ older, somehow even handsomer brother Frederick. **(A/N: rate my oc pls thnx)**

 

“Hans you literal fucking retard, I told you you’re not taking the army anywhere. And stealing maps from the library before scribbling all over them with markers doesn’t count as planning. I’m pretty sure you mislabeled Belarus as Great Britain on like six of them, too. It’s like 1800 or something. Belarus doesn’t even exist yet. Yet you still managed to mislabel it. That’s how fucking retarded you are.”

 

“Mooooooooom!” Hans shouted, with the tone of a whining child. “Frederick is bullying me again!”

 

“Mom is dead you idiot” Frederick sneered.

 

Hans wheeled around in shock, the color vanishing from his handsome face.

 

“What?”

 

“She’s been dead for like four years.”

 

“N-nobody told me?” Hans sputtered. “W-wasn’t there a funeral?”

 

“Yeah, it’s just that no one invited you.”

 

“How could you not invite me? She was my mother!”

 

“Because no one likes you, Hans. I literally ignored your existence for the better part of three years. How could you possibly make the massive mistake of believing for one moment that I like you? Oh, and by the way, mom died because she couldn’t handle having such a pathetic failure for a son anymore. I believe that was after you tried to conquer Russia by cracking open the Tsar because you believed Russian nesting dolls were actual factually accurate representations of the Russian people. God, you’re retarded.”

 

“You’re retarded!” Hans spat back, tears streaming down his face.

 

Kristoff, forgotten in the sudden explosion of family drama, tentatively placed a comforting hand on Hans’ shoulder.

 

“Don’t touch me you disgusting Arendellan filth!” Hans seethed, before collapsing into Kristoff’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

 

Kristoff made a token effort to resist the damage Hans’ words had done to his already fragile ego, but it was no use. He broke down like the little bitch he was. They both lay there on the floor of Hans’ room, their pained weeping filling the air.

 

Frederick rolled his eyes and went off to do prince shit.

 

A few hours later, Hans finally stood up, wiping the tears from his radiant green eyes, and said; “Okay, let’s go get revenge.”

 

Kristoff stood up after him on shaky legs, wiping tear-soaked blond hair from his hazel eyes.

 

“But…but…your brother said you can’t use the army.”

 

“I have a plan B.”

 

“Which is what?”

 

“We uh…steal the army without his permission.”

 

“Oh…oh gee. That’s brilliant.”

 

Hans snarled at the ice-harvester’s sarcasm.

 

“Can you even read, you peasant cunt?”

 

Kristobel bowed his head in shame.

 

“…No sir.”

 

Dawn the next day found the Southern Isles’ grand fleet bobbing in the waters that licked Arendelle’s rocky coastline, the air filled with the shouts of eager seaman and men-at-arms.

 

“Why doesn’t anyone have guns?” Kristoff asked, as he observed that not a single southern soldier carried anything other than a pike, saber, or crossbow.

 

“We’re not allowed to have guns.”

 

“Wh-why not?”

 

Hans rolled his gorgeous, gorgeous eyes.

 

“Because it might be a bad influence on children. Duh.”

 

“But Pocahontas had guns, as did Beauty and the Beast.”

 

“First of all, I have no idea what either of those things are. Second of all, both of those came out before Columbine.”

 

“What’s Columbine?”

 

“I’m pretty sure it’s a kind of flower.”

 

Kristoff in fact had absolutely no idea what Hans was talking about, but nodded in faux understanding, afraid to look like an uneducated moron in front of the prince.

 

“Makes sense.”

 

Suddenly, the deliciously curvy figure of Queen Elsa appeared on the balcony of Arendelle castle in the distance, looking very not-pleasantly-surprised by the navy floating in her harbor.

 

“Can’t you idiots read?” she snapped, gesturing towards the neon sign bolted to a cliff wall on the far side of the fjord. “No parking before 10:00 AM on Fridays. Goddamn!”

 

“You don’t park a boat you dumb cunt!” Hans shouted from the deck of his flagship, “you moor it!” he turned back towards his crew and in a milder voice spoke;“does this bimbo really think she’s gonna run a kingdom? That’s cute.”

 

Suddenly, Anna appeared from the depths of the palace behind Elsa, her lithe body clad in a sheer white chemise. The princess slid her arms sensually around her sister’s neck.

 

“Elsa, sweetie, come back to bed”, she purred.

 

“You’re right that is kind of hot”, Kristoff whispered to Hans.

 

“Kristoff I know you’re just telling me that so I won’t think you’re gay.”

 

“What?” Kristoff snapped, “I came to find you because I was jilted by a woman! How could I possibly be gay?”

 

“I saw you checking me out in the barracks as we dressed for battle back on the Isles. I want you to know that I have no problems with it, and that I’m flattered, but I have absolutely no interest in men myself.”

 

“I wasn’t checking you out you pampered idiot! Get over yourself!”

 

Hans closed his eyes in the snootiest way possible, and opened his mouth for an equally snooty response, before a massive wall of ice ascended from the sea below the sloop to the starboard side of their frigate, smashing the vessel to kindling and turning its crew into a fine red paste.

 

“Oh fuck!” both men shouted in unison, their quarrel forgotten.

 

“Fire! Fire!” Hans roared.

 

Unfortunately, crossbows have a decidedly pitiful range when compared to a good rifle or even a musket, and literally every bolt fell far short of the two royals on the balcony in the distance.

 

The few men who elected to throw their blades or pikes enjoyed even less success.

 

Throwing swords and causing any measure of damage with them is not achieved without great strength. That fucker Prince Phillip makes it look easy. It’s not. Swords are fucking heavy. And unfortunately, the men under Hans and Kristoff’s command were not exactly the cream of the crop when it came to the Southern Isles’ military force.

 

That’s because most of the elite soldiers wisely chose not to be party to the prince and the ice-harvester’s retarded revenge-seeking quest. And because a lot of them refused to take orders from a peasant.

 

Good job, Kristoff.

 

Within seconds every boat in Hans’ fleet was reduced to splinters. On the balcony, Anna cheered her sister’s utter annihilation of an entire enemy armada, and kissed the queen deeply on the lips in celebration.

 

The Southern Islanders might have found it kinda hot if they hadn’t been very occupied with the water filling their lungs, the spears of ice protruding from their chests, or the hungry sharks tearing their tender bodies limb from limb. Are there even any dangerous sharks in the waters off of Norway? That’s probably the sort of information one could glean from Wikipedia. Doesn’t matter. That’s how fucked they were.

 

“We really should have brought guns” Kristoff commented, as the cold waters of the North Sea lapped at his ankles.

 

“Fuck you Eric Harris!” Hans screamed as the waves washed over him, destroying the glorious sideburns that took him hours to style each morning.

 

They were the real victims of all of this.

 

“Who’s Eric Harris?” Christoph questioned.

 

“Shut up Christopher.”

 

Elsa and Anna waited until every living soul in the invading army was sent to meet God, then they went back inside and had more lesbian incest sex.

 

It was pretty hot. Now, some people might disagree. Those people would be Kristoff, and Kristoff should shut up, because no one does, ever has, or ever will care what Kristoff thinks.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t actually hate Kristoff. He’s a sweetheart.


End file.
